silvestria (silvestria) wrote,
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silvestria

The Mancunians: Commercial Break

It's that time in a show. The first season has drawn to an end. There was a cliffhanger and you're all hanging off it by your finger nails waiting for the second season to be aired. The internet sites are humming with spoilers. What could possibly happen? What will happen to pregnant Lynda? Will the tension between Harry and Rosalind ever be resolved? What about Oscar and Dolly and Sophie? Fanficcers are getting carried away with pointless smut fics between characters who would never get it on in the actual season. You know I read a Tom/Dick hurt/comfort fic the other day... *reminisces* Utterly bizarre. The things fans get up to when they have to wait. I mean, if you're going to write gay sex you'd think they'd at least do it between characters that are actually gay. Ah well...

It's time for the commercial break between seasons!

The Commercial Break

The Commercial Break


1:
[SCREEN SHOT OF GANDALF]

GANDALF: You might think that caring for a beard like this is all party tricks but it's a lot more hard work than it appears. First there're the knots then there's all the grease and don't get me started on the colour maintenance! But the greatest problem of all is DANDRUFF.
[ENTER SARUMAN AT A RUN, AS IF PURSUED BY NAZGUL, CARRYING SHAMPOO]

SARUMAN: I've discovered the perfect way of tacking dandruff! Nyserol Anti-Dandruff shampoo- you only have to use it once a week. It keeps your hair dandruff for longer.
GANDALF: Fantastic!
[SWITCH TO ARWEN, FLICKING BACK HAIR AND HOLDING UP SHAMPOO]

ARWEN: Nyserol, so effective even the elves can't keep their hands off it.
[BEWILDERING TWO SECOND SHOT OF GOLLUM RUNNING ACROSS THE SCREEN SQUEAKING 'WE WANTSSS IT, MY PRECIOUSSSSSS' AFTER THE SHAMPOO BOTTLE]


2:
[GENERIC POP MUSIC. MONTAGE OF STRUGGLING PUPILS.]

FEMALE NURSERY TEACHER VOICEOVER: Can you relate to these people? Like them, do you find simple maths a difficulty? Is your experience of literature restricted to the Buffy books? If so, the chances are you're academically challenged.
[SHOT OF SCUNTHORPE CATERING COLLEGE]

VOICEOVER: Scunthorpe University has recently opened to provide quality education for stupid people like you. We do courses in TV advertising, fast food, binge drinking and much more. In fact, you could say the future has never been brighter for the terminally moronic.
[SHOT OF SMILING GIRLS IN BIKINIS AND MORTAR BOARDS ON NORTH YORKSHIRE COASTLINE]

GIRLS: Come to Scunthorpe! You won't regret it and if you do, there are plenty of cliffs to jump off. [THEY SMILE CONTINUOUSLY.]

3:
[EINE KLEINE NACHT MUSIK. TODDLER WITH BLONDE CURLS, SUNFLOWER HAT, ONE TOOTH SITTING IN GRASS IN IDYLLIC SPRING GARDEN. BLOSSOM ETC.]

TODDLER: Thith mother'th day I'm getting my mummy anti-wrinkling cream from Nivea.
[MUMMY (PERFECT SKIN) PICKS TODDLER UP]

TODDLER: It maketh my mummy'th thkin thoft and thmooth-
[MUMMY KISSES TODDLER'S CHEEK]

TODDLER: -whicth Daddy liketh to kith.
[TODDLER GURGLES. MUMMY WINKS.]



4:
[DOWN WIT' MA HOMIES HIP HOP/URBAN WHATEVER MUSIC. SCREEN SHOTS OF GUN TOTING SOLDIER SILHOUETTED ON SAND DUNE IN BRILLIANT SUNSET, THEN WAILING FROM MINARET OVER A MOSQUE, THEN ARTISTIC PANNING DOWN PRISON CORRIDOR]

NUBILE AMERICAN FEMALE VOICEOVER: We've captured the dictator, we've blown up the rebels and we've even tortured the natives. So where the bloody jihad are you? Join the US army and come along to Iraq!

5:
[YOUR TYPICAL ENGLISH FAMILY IN TYPICAL IKEA KITCHEN SITTING ROUND TABLE. LOTS OF SCATTERED HOLIDAY BROCHURES.]

FRAZZLED MOTHER [PUTTING DOWN LONELY PLANET GUIDE TO HISTORIC PRAGUE]: Every year it's the same. We just can't decide where to go on holiday.
LITTLE BOY [LOOKING FROM GAMES CONSOLE]: I want to go to Disneyland!
TEENAGE GIRL [DOING NAILS]: All me mates are going to Torremolinos!
MOTHER: See? And that great lump's no help at all. He just wants to hang around the pub all summer.
FATHER [LOOKING UP FROM THE DAILY MAIL]: What? It's the World Cup on!
[SCENE: CHANGE TO SOOTHING VIEW OF DEEP SPACE.]

JOVIAL MALE VOICEOVER: What they're looking for is a completely different holiday and thanks to EasySpaceJet that's exactly what they can get. This summer, from just £2 million per person, you too can spend up to fifteen minutes in space! What are you waiting for? It's the chance of a lifetime!
[SHOT OF FAMILY SEEN THROUGH PORTHOLE OF HURTLING SPACE CRAFT, WAVING AND BEAMING]

FAMILY: It's fantastic!
FEMALE VOICEOVER [DROWNED OUT BY ALSO SPRACT ZARATHUSTRA]: TermsandconditionsapplyofferexcludesVATpleasedon'treadthesmallprint.

6:
[THE MANCUNIANS THEME MUSIC AND TITLE PAGE. THE FOLLOWING IMAGES APPEAR RAPIDLY ON SCREEN IN SEQUENCE]

-Lynda sitting alone on steps of school, head in hands
-Oscar, dressed in a Spanish flamenco dress, admiring himself in a mirror
-Sophie seen through a grimy upper storey window of a smoke blackened 19th century warehouse building in an industrial town. She turns away and moves further into the room
-An unidentifiable couple dancing close together on a club floor
-Dick, looking surprised and guilty. A hand lashes out and smacks him across the face
-Tom wraps his arms round an unknown redhead who's face is turned away from camera and buries his face in her hair. There are tears in his eyes
-Manchester street corner on a summer evening. Rosalind and Harry staring at each other, holding hands. They move together and kiss.
[SCREEN FADES TO BLACK. WRITING APPEARS, ONE SENTENCE AT A TIME.]

WRITING: The Mancunians. New Season starts April 29th 2006

[END]


Go to Season Two, Episode One!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the above except the advertisements and the Mancunians. I do not own any of the products!
Tags: humour, original fiction, parody
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