It's time for the commercial break between seasons!
The Commercial Break
GANDALF: You might think that caring for a beard like this is all party tricks but it's a lot more hard work than it appears. First there're the knots then there's all the grease and don't get me started on the colour maintenance! But the greatest problem of all is DANDRUFF.
SARUMAN: I've discovered the perfect way of tacking dandruff! Nyserol Anti-Dandruff shampoo- you only have to use it once a week. It keeps your hair dandruff for longer.
ARWEN: Nyserol, so effective even the elves can't keep their hands off it.
FEMALE NURSERY TEACHER VOICEOVER: Can you relate to these people? Like them, do you find simple maths a difficulty? Is your experience of literature restricted to the Buffy books? If so, the chances are you're academically challenged.
VOICEOVER: Scunthorpe University has recently opened to provide quality education for stupid people like you. We do courses in TV advertising, fast food, binge drinking and much more. In fact, you could say the future has never been brighter for the terminally moronic.
GIRLS: Come to Scunthorpe! You won't regret it and if you do, there are plenty of cliffs to jump off. [THEY SMILE CONTINUOUSLY.]
TODDLER: Thith mother'th day I'm getting my mummy anti-wrinkling cream from Nivea.
TODDLER: It maketh my mummy'th thkin thoft and thmooth-
TODDLER: -whicth Daddy liketh to kith.
NUBILE AMERICAN FEMALE VOICEOVER: We've captured the dictator, we've blown up the rebels and we've even tortured the natives. So where the bloody jihad are you? Join the US army and come along to Iraq!
FRAZZLED MOTHER [PUTTING DOWN LONELY PLANET GUIDE TO HISTORIC PRAGUE]: Every year it's the same. We just can't decide where to go on holiday.
LITTLE BOY [LOOKING FROM GAMES CONSOLE]: I want to go to Disneyland!
TEENAGE GIRL [DOING NAILS]: All me mates are going to Torremolinos!
MOTHER: See? And that great lump's no help at all. He just wants to hang around the pub all summer.
FATHER [LOOKING UP FROM THE DAILY MAIL]: What? It's the World Cup on!
JOVIAL MALE VOICEOVER: What they're looking for is a completely different holiday and thanks to EasySpaceJet that's exactly what they can get. This summer, from just £2 million per person, you too can spend up to fifteen minutes in space! What are you waiting for? It's the chance of a lifetime!
FAMILY: It's fantastic!
FEMALE VOICEOVER [DROWNED OUT BY ALSO SPRACT ZARATHUSTRA]: TermsandconditionsapplyofferexcludesVATp
-Lynda sitting alone on steps of school, head in hands
-Oscar, dressed in a Spanish flamenco dress, admiring himself in a mirror
-Sophie seen through a grimy upper storey window of a smoke blackened 19th century warehouse building in an industrial town. She turns away and moves further into the room
-An unidentifiable couple dancing close together on a club floor
-Dick, looking surprised and guilty. A hand lashes out and smacks him across the face
-Tom wraps his arms round an unknown redhead who's face is turned away from camera and buries his face in her hair. There are tears in his eyes
-Manchester street corner on a summer evening. Rosalind and Harry staring at each other, holding hands. They move together and kiss.
WRITING: The Mancunians. New Season starts April 29th 2006
Go to Season Two, Episode One!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the above except the advertisements and the Mancunians. I do not own any of the products!