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The Mancunians, Season Two, Episode Two

Romance. It's like a car crash. I mean, everyone wants to get closer hypocritically thinking they're not remotely perverted, and then when they do, they discover it's nothing but blood and tears. Anyway! That's totally irrelevant to The Mancunians! To be honest, the more we progress through this show, once hailed as a "gritty and realistic account of Manchester life", the more I realise that pretty much nothing is relevant to it. So, without much ado, onto the next episode!

Season Two, Episode Two: The One with the Three Boyfriends

Episode Two: The One with the Three Boyfriends

[SCENE: THAT FAMOUS SHOT OF LYME PARK HOUSE WITH LAKE. WITH A FAMILIAR WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP A BLUE POLICE CALL BOX MATERIALISES ONTO THE LANDSCAPE. IT STANDS OUT. TENTATIVELY THE DOOR OPENS AND ROSALIND LOOKS OUT.]


ROSALIND: Where are we? [SHE STEPS OUT AND LOOKS AROUND HER] But- but, you've taken me to Lyme Park.
TOM [JOINING HER OUTSIDE]: Hey, you're the Pride and Prejudice obssessive. I thought you'd like it.
ROSALIND: It's half an hour from my house. I can come here whenever I like. Honestly, it's our three month anniversary. We could have gone anywhere. What's so special about here?
TOM: I dunno. Why don't we go and find out?

[SHE GLARES AT HIM AND WANDERS OFF DOWN A LITTLE HILL TOWARDS THE LAKE. SHE ABRUPTLY TURNS A CORNER AND COMES FACE TO FACE WITH HARRY, WEARING A WET WHITE SHIRT.]


ROSALIND: Harry!
HARRY: Rosalind!
ROSALIND: Whatever are you doing here?
HARRY: I just went for a quick dip in the lake. As you do.
ROSALIND: Riiiight. I- [A FUNNY EXPRESSION APPEARS ON HER FACE]
HARRY: Rosalind?

[TOM APPEARS BEHIND ROSALIND]


TOM AND HARRY: You!
TOM: Rosalind, we have to get away now! This is... what is it?

[ROSALIND IGNORES HIM. SHE STRUTS UP TO HARRY, LOOKING HIM UP AND DOWN. HARRY LOOKS ALARMED. SUDDENLY SHE GRABS HIS SHOULDERS AND KISSES HIM, THEN ABRUPTLY PULLS AWAY IN SURPRISE.]


HARRY: Guh...
TOM: What on earth did you do that for?
ROSALIND [SOUNDING WEIRD]: I have been looking. I like it. My head... Mr. Darcy...
TOM: Come on, there's something funny going on- let's get you away-

[THERE IS SHOUTING AND THE GROUND STARTS TO RUMBLE.]


HARRY: It's them! The crazed fangirls have finally located me! When I say run-
T0M: Rosalind, we simply have to go. If we stay here any longer it's going to create a terrible paradox.
ROSALIND [MORE NORMAL BUT BEWILDERED]: Why?
TOM: Because I'm your first boyfriend and he's your third. We absolutely can't both be here on the same date!
HARRY: Run!

[TOM GRABS ROSALIND'S HAND AND THEY ALL RUN. HARRY IS PURSUED BY 100 OR SO SCREAMING GIRLS. SOON A SPLASH IS HEARD FROM THE LAKE. TOM AND ROSALIND REACH THE POLICE CALL BOX AND SLAM THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.]
[SCENE: INSIDE THE POLICE CALL BOX. IT IS BIGGER INSIDE.]


ROSALIND: What the hell was all that about?
TOM [PULLING OUT HIS SONIC CHIP FROM A COAT POCKET AND RUNNING IT ALL OVER HER]: Ah, as I thought. You were temporarily possessed by a fangirl and actually thought Harry was Mr. Darcy. Stupid Austenites!
ROSALIND [SULKILY]: They both have black hair, are tall and were wearing wet shirts. An easy mistake. Could have happened to anyone...
TOM: Look. Rose. We may have cleared up the mystery but this does change things between us.
ROSALIND: How?
TOM: You kissed him. I know you were possessed but that's not the point. It changes everything. You can't go around doing that!
ROSALIND: What? What's happening? Don't look like that!
TOM: We're not going to be the same after this. We can't go back from here. Listen, boyfriends have this trick for when things get tough.
ROSALIND: What's that?
TOM: It's called breaking up. Basically, Rosalind, I'm going to change.
ROSALIND: Change?
TOM: Actually, I'm going to leave. I feel every cell of my body that was ever attracted to you (so not many) is finally coming to its senses.
ROSALIND: Oh no! My Tom!
TOM: Don't worry. Once you've started on the journey of dating and romance, there's no let up. You won't have to wait long for your next boyfriend.
ROSALIND: But Tom, it was only a kiss.
TOM: Kisses have consequences. And that was Harry! You're not meant to get together yet! We've got a whole a second season of angst to get through before that happens! You're screwing up the time line!
ROSALIND: But I really like you!
TOM: Just remember one last thing. It was nice and you know what, so was I. [HE ABRUPTLY TURNS AND LEAVES THE CALL BOX]
ROSALIND: Tom! My boyfriend! What's going to happen to me now? I thought- I thought love lasted for ever but I guess I everything withers and dies. Still, he said I wouldn't be single for long. I must be pragmatic. I wonder when I'm going to meet my second boyfriend.

[THE DOOR OPENS. DICK SEEN LEANING ROGUEISHLY ON THE FRAME.]


ROSALIND: Dick!
DICK [WIDE GRIN]: Hello!

[THE END]


The Mancunians is sponsored by McDonalds, joined in evil corporate collaboration with gyms across the country to rip off Mancunians everywhere.

Newsflash: Congratulations to Becks Davidson age 15 from Luton who won our deleted scene writing competition, with an interior monologue from Oscar after he had come out. She's going to guest write next week's episode! Don't forget to tune in!

Go to Episode Three!
Tags: humour, original fiction, parody
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