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The Mancunians, Season Two, Episode Four, The Christmas Special

Q: How do you write a filler episode at Christmas?
A: You make it extra long and fill it with "words and music signifying nothing"! Ho ho ho.

This episode guest stars the SAD, MYSTIC VOICEOVER.

Season Two, Episode Four, The Christmas Special: The Overlong One with the Epic Film Music

Episode Four: The Overlong One with the Epic Film Music

[SCENE: A DARK SCREEN. SWIRLING FOG. MYSTERIOUS MUSIC.]


SAD, MYSTIC VOICEOVER: Many years ago, in a kingdom far, far away, a king wise and just ruled o'er the land of Mancunia. Under the guidance of King Harold the Great, the kingdom experienced peace and prosperity. All, however, was to change. As summer turneth to winter so did evil and rot seep into the roots of the land with the treachery of the Black Knight, Duke Richard. For the King had a ward, the fair Lady Roslyn and since she had set eyes upon the Duke she languished out of love for the traitor.

[SCENE: OUTSIDE THE THRONE ROOM. LADY ROSLYN ON OUTCROP OF CITADEL IN BILLOWING WHITE DRESS STARING OUT OVER PLAIN. SOARING EPIC MUSIC.]


ROSLYN: Ah me! The conflicts of my heart are tearing both me and mine country apart.

[ENTER SOPHIA IN LONG, BLACK DRESS.]


ROSLYN: What ho! The handmaid of the Duke! What bringest thou into the presence of the King's ward?
SOPHIA: I bring a message from the Duke. He is desirous to see you and has sent this rose as a token of his regard.

[SOPHIA GIVES LADY ROSLYN A RED ROSE WHO SPINS ROUND HOLDING IT.]


ROSLYN: Oh wonderful wonderful and still more wondrous! Bid your lord and master that I attend him presently for now I know he loves me true!

[SCENE: THE THRONE ROOM. MAJESTIC MUSIC. KING HAROLD ON THRONE, RISES AS LADY ROSLYN ENTERS.]


HAROLD: How now, ward of mine, fairest of the fair?
ROSLYN: Fie, Sire, thou flatterest me! Behold the rose- a pledge of the Duke!
HAROLD: Zounds! What sorcery is this? No natural rose is it that blooms in February! [ASIDE] The Duke is a traitor! Shall I thus see my ward, a lady I love too well and beyond what is strictly necessary, turn traitor too? No, it must not be! [TO ROSLYN] Sweet ward, go now and fill thy day with the sunny laughter of youth!
ROSLYN: Aye, my liege! [EXIT SKIPPING]
HAROLD: Thomas!

[ENTER SIR THOMAS IN SHINING ARMOUR.]


THOMAS: You called?
HARD: Aye, best and most gallant of my knights. I would thou wouldst go forth and meet with the Duke and show him thy mettle. For he hath the heart of Lady Roslyn and I cannot bear it.
THOMAS: Sire, thinkest thou not upon thy Queen?
HAROLD: Forsooth, I had forgot her! Go now, brave knight!

[EXIT SIR THOMAS WHO GRABS A HORSE AND GALLOPS OFF. EXCITING MUSIC.]
[SCENE: THE COUNTRYSIDE. MASTER OSCAR, TAMMIE, PAMMIE AND DOLLY AT A TABLE IN A HOMELY INN. JOLLY, RUSTIC MUSIC.]


OSCAR [THICK ARCHERS ACCENT]: Are we all convened?
TAMMIE, PAMMIE AND DOLLY: Aye! [THEY CLINK ALE TANKARDS]
OSCAR: Then you must know why we are here.
TAMMIE, PAMMIE AND DOLLY: Aye! [PAUSE] No. Why are we here?
OSCAR: We're here, my friends, because we're Little People. We're the unnoticed, the understated and the unmemorable cast members-
DOLLY: Don't you mean unremembered?
OSCAR: -And we must stand up for our rights as characters!
TAMMIE, PAMMIE AND DOLLY: Aye! [MORE TANKARD CLINKING]
OSCAR [TO TAMMIE]: When was the last time you had an episode to yourself? [TO PAMMIE] Is there even any difference between you and Tammie- or is it the other way round? [TO DOLLY] Aren't you meant to be a main character? And as for me, I'm only a cruel stereotype! [SOBS INTO PINK, LACY HANDKERCHIEF]
TAMMIE, PAMMIE AND DOLLY: Something must be done and done quickly!
OSCAR: I blame the King. We must travel to the city and lead a revolt.
TAMMIE AND PAMMIE: Aye!
OSCAR: Long live Little People!
TAMMIE AND PAMMIE: Long live Little People! May we always implausibly triumph over massive odds and defeat the big, bad, scary enemy!
DOLLY: Hang on, I thought the King was wise and just. Didn't it say... so... somewhere...? [SHE TRAILS OFF. ALL STARE AT HER.] Never mind.
OSCAR: Forward to freedom and bigger parts! Onwards on the quest!
TAMMIE, PAMMIE AND DOLLY: Aye!

[EXIT MASTER OSCAR, TAMMIE, PAMMIE AND DOLLY IN A RUSH. THEY RUN OFF INTO THE DISTANCE IN THE DIRECTION OF A BIG, EVIL, SMOKING VOLCANO. ROUSING, HEROIC MUSIC.]
[VARIOUS SCENES FLASHING BETWEEN THE LITTLE PEOPLE ON DONKEYS, LADY ROSLYN, CLOAKED, ON A WHITE MARE AND SIR THOMAS ON A CHESTNUT STALLION COVERING DISTANCES AT SPEED TO EVEN MORE FRENZIED MUSIC. ACTION OCCASIONALLY PUNCTUATED BY BEAUTIFUL VISTAS OF MOUNTAINS, FORESTS, SEAS, RIVERS, PLAINS ETC. THIS GOES ON FOR AT LEAST TWO HOURS.]
[SCENE: THE LITTLE PEOPLE APPROACH THE BLACK CASTLE, HOME OF DUKE RICHARD. SMOKE CURLS UP FROM THE BURNED GROUND. FOREBODING MUSIC.]


OSCAR: We're there! It has been a hard journey but we've almost made it. What could possibly go wrong now?
DOLLY: But aren't we in the wrong place? I thought we were going to... defeat... the... King... Right. Never mind.

[SUDDENLY THE LYNDA-MONSTER APPEARS FROM SOMEWHERE- A GIGANTIC, TERRIBLE, CGI CREATURE.]


LYNDA-MONSTER: AAARGHE-HE-HE!
OSCAR, TAMMIE, PAMMIE AND DOLLY: AAARGH!
OSCAR: Quick, we must think!
TAMMIE AND PAMMIE: No, we must run! [THEY RUN OFF]
OSCAR: We have to discover her only weakness!
LYNDA-MONSTER: AAARGHE-HE-HE!
DOLLY: I've got it!
OSCAR: What? We're almost overpowered!
DOLLY: It's humour! She's attempting to use humour as a weapon but her barbs of wit fall short!
OSCAR: Yes! If we just keep out of range we'll easily be able to outwit her. Run! [THEY RUN THROUGH THE CASTLE GATES]
LYNDA-MONSTER: AAARGHE-HE-HIC... I am not found funny. Oh woe! I want to die! [SITS ON A BOULDER AND CRIES]

[SCENE: INSIDE THE GROUNDS OF THE BLACK CASTLE ON A MISTY FOOTBRIDGE OVER A TINKLING STREAM. DUKE RICHARD, BROODING. ENTER LADY ROSLYN. SHE STRIPS OFF HER CONCEALING CLOAK AND FLINGS HERSELF INTO DUKE RICHARD'S ARMS. ROMANTIC MUSIC.]


ROSLYN: My love!
RICHARD: My beloved fair! How much thou hast braved in order to visit me here!

ROSLYN: How much indeed! My sweetheart!
RICHARD: My precious!

[THEY KISS ETC ETC. MASTER OSCAR AND DOLLY ENTER DISCREETLY.]


OSCAR: There he is!
DOLLY: Ssh!
OSCAR: Let's wait for the best time to charge him.
DOLLY: I still think we've got the wrong guy.
OSCAR: Ssh! [THEY HIDE BEHIND TREES]
RICHARD: My beauty! [ASIDE] You should see her dowry!
ROSLYN: Adored one!

[ENTER SIR THOMAS AT A RUN, SWORD DRAWN.]


THOMAS: Hold! Leave the lady!
RICHARD: Who dares interrupt the Black Knight?
THOMAS: 'Tis I- Sir Thomas! Mine this priceless treasure! [SIEZES ROSLYN]
RICHARD [DRAWING SWORD]: You have no right, Sir!
THOMAS: In the name of King Harold the wise and just I challenge you, Duke Richard, pilferrer, pillager, seducer and all round evil person!
RICHARD: The challenge is accepted!

[SIR THOMAS AND DUKE RICHARD FIGHT. BATTLE MUSIC. EVENTUALLY SIR THOMAS HAS DUKE RICHARD AT SWORD POINT.]


THOMAS: It is the end! Acknowledge thy misdeeds!
RICHARD: Never!
THOMAS: Then I shall-
ROSLYN: Stop! [SUDDENLY, DRAWING A SWORD PREVIOUSLY CONCEALED IN HER VOLUMINOUS WHITE GOWN, SHE RUSHES FORWARD AND POINTS IT AT SIR THOMAS' NECK] If you kill him, I shall kill you!
THOMAS: My Lady! Think of thy King- how he loves you!

[ON CUE, ENTER KING HAROLD AT A RUN.]


HAROLD: Roslyn! I have found you! Sir Thomas! You have found him! The Duke! That scurvy knave!
ROSLYN: I will not leave him.
THOMAS: She says that she will not leave him.
HAROLD: But I-
ROSLYN: But you what, Sire?
HAROLD: I-
RICHARD: Thou canst not say it and thus the maid is mine!
HAROLD: Thou wilt return home immediately, my Lady, or else! [HE RUNS UP TO THE GROUP AND DRAWS HIS SWORD, POINTING IT AT LADY ROSLYN]
ROSLYN: Never! I must rebel! I mean, I love him!
RICHARD: At last! I have the King where I want him- at my mercy! [POINTS SWORD AT KING HAROLD'S BACK]

[A GENERAL HIATUS]


OSCAR: Coo! What're they going to do now?

[SCENE: SCREEN DARKENS.]


SAD, MYSTIC VOICEOVER: However will King Harold, Sir Thomas, Duke Richard and Lady Roslyn extricate themselves? Will Dolly and Master Oscar ever decide who to attack and will they be reunited with Tammie and Pammie? Will the King declare his secret love to his fair ward? Will Lady Roslyn remain infatuated with the Duke? Will anyone ever find the Lynda-monster funny? Will the evil Duke overpower the kingdom or will he be defeated by the bold Sir Thomas? Fortunately this is a trilogy, so tune in the same time next year for The Even Longer One With Even More Epic Film Music.

[END. CREDITS MUSIC.]


The music in the episode is:

1. "Mysterious music": The Beginning of an Adventure by Harry Gregson-Williams (Chronicles of Narnia)
2. "Soaring, epic music": Yoke by Tamiya Terashima (Gedo Senki)
3. "Majestic music": The King of the Golden Hall by Howard Shore (The Two Towers)
4. "Exciting music": Sandcastles by Alan Silvestri (The Mummy Returns)
5. "Jolly, rustic music": Concerning Hobbits by Howard Shore (The Fellowship of the Ring)
6. "Rousing, heroic music": The Medallion Calls by Klaus Badelt (The Curse of the Black Pearl)
7. "Frenzied music": The Legend of Zorro Credits by James Horner
8. "Foreboding music": Not Like The Train Set by John Williams/John Ottman (Superman Returns)
9. "Romantic music": Ashitaka and San by Joe Hisaishi (Princess Mononoke)
10. "Battle music": Robot Soldiers Resurrection by Joe Hisaishi (Laputa: Castle in the Sky- remastered 1997)
11. "Credits music": Harry's Wondrous World by John Williams (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets)

The Mancunians is sponsored by Peter Jackson who can afford the exotic locations, the better looking screen doubles and the CGI effects. However, he won't pay us all that much so there will in fact be no Parts Two or Three. You will never find out what happens. Happy Christmas!

Go to Episode Five!
Tags: humour, original fiction, parody
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